College Students Would Rather You Stroke Their Egos Instead Of Their Dicks

Four in the morning Taco Bell runs and group sex with twenty of your closest strangers may be replaced with compliment orgies as the collegiate activity of choice. A recent study of University of Michigan students found they would rather be told nice things than eat their favorite food or knock boots. Who knows, maybe motivational self-help books may replace the condoms in your bottom drawer of embarrassing items.

Naturally orgasms and fried foods aren't going away anytime soon. They just don't provide the same kick they used to. We've gotten a lot sluttier, with random hook-ups overtaking long term relationships as the goal for college kids. “Let's grab dinner sometime” has been replaced with “let's bang right now” as pick-up line of choice. That instantaneous reward may not be as satisfying. The “Freshman 15” is also going extinct. Now we're on an installment plan, with research showing students gain weight throughout college instead of just their first year. Overeating has become normalized, done over four years instead of just a one-year mistake.

The bang's gone out of banging, the binge out of binge eating. With these happenings, who can blame students finding compliments more appealing than either of the two? They signify a relationship between one person and another, something that's lacking on college campuses with students showing higher rates of depression than everyone else. Your pizza won't talk back to you, and Random Slut #27 you hooked up with last night is more interested in finding her bra than a deep and meaningful post-coital conversation. But tell her she looks nice today before she sneaks out of the dorm. She'll probably get more happiness out of that than she did from your three inches of dynamite.